To finally be at ease after the anxiety of school is a masochistic victory. I am feeling my mind sinking into old habits, feeling like a regression into thought processes I've come a long way to undo. Yet, I almost miss that silly misery. My silly pinheaded thoughts from 3 years ago are all returning, but I've got a new set of eyes to behold them with. I am proud to say I've written off a lot of my trivial self-involved thoughts. But still, I feel as if I have confidence and self-absorbed confused with another. One does not equal the other.
A lot of my journeys are past due as far as the proportion to the expected age goes. But there is no one way to encounter obstacles in life. There is no "right order". "Late bloomer" is an easy way to put things. I have always been that way, as far as social encounters and in physical senses of fashion. I am happy to have made the progress that I have.
I need to start believing people when they say, "You've come a long way."
I am happy to be free of the monotony of school, and am now reaching out for whatever is out there. I like the concrete logic of Business, and I'm happy to try new things. Most of all, I am glad I am at peace. I didn't realize how anxious I really was until I came back home after completing my courses. I was electrified before with constant goosebumps and anxiety attacks that were seconds long with a passing thought. I can finally sleep wholly and peacefully again. I don't have to fight to sleep.
Still, my recent new experiences make me understand I was truly missing out on the simpler things in life: Human Contact. I now recognize the comfort of not sleeping alone, of constant contact, of casual contact. Touch has always eluded me, either my fear of not touching correctly or of it altogether. I'm afraid of less things as life goes on. I'm coming home to parts of my past that used to scare me and able to conquer them with flying colors. I have grown. I have changed.
I love what I've lost and what I've gained. I am so grateful I have the gift of not getting angry so easily. It is so hard for me to hold a grudge. I have always loved those things about myself. They are certainly coming in handy now. But the damage is not a big deal, and I can confidently say it is because I have been through worse. I paid dearly for the growth I've yielded during my time away.
My new years resolution? Get a new place. My place. But not in Orlando or somewhere awful. I want a place in South Florida. I tried my venture far away and got nothing rooted there, so I am back to my roots where I like to be. Where I belong.
If that makes me pathetic, fine. I don't care anymore. I am glad I at least know the coordinates of where I am at my happiest. I must be true to myself and do what truly fulfills me. Delight fills me as I look forward. I'm ready for someone. I'm ready to be a grown up in ways that used to scare me. I am filled with hope again. Things aren't so bad.
It's going to be a great year. I will make it so. Bring it on, 2014.